Crushed Leaves
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Author: LuckyFriday13th
Title: Crushed Leaves
Reviewer: bubbly balloon bubbles
______________________________________
Title: 4.5/5
The title ‘crushed leave’ does fit the first half of the story, it is quite memorable in a way, it’s short, neat and simple and it wasn’t clichéd so, good. The second title ‘joined as one’ once again is a good title, because it was related to the story, but unlike the first one it was pretty cliché.
Poster: 5/5
The poster was great, it really felt like they were both looking for each other. There was no background so I didn’t include it in your mark.
Forewords: 3/5
It was too short, though the meaning was quite deep and sweet. Maybe you could have done a little more on the forewords. Like introduce the characters a little.
Plot: 13/15
The plot was very cute both for the first and the second parts of the story. The first plot was more enjoyable than the second because the second plot can be read a lot in many other stories.
Flow: 8/10
The first part had bits and pieces missing, well I’m sorry but I’m the type of person who wants to know everything, so I was thinking where was Yunho’s mother? Did Yunho see Jaejoong and then go and step on the leaf, etc. Sorry that might just be me being a little too curious. The second half flowed to the ending too fast where they suddenly acknowledged each other as the ‘one’ they were looking for.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 15\15
At least I didn’t pick up any mistakes in this category.
Characterization: 5/10
There wasn’t any character development. There was description, but I wanted to see your characters developing. Well there was a little character development in Jaejoong, but none whatsoever in Yunho.
Originality: 10\15
There are quite a lot of stories about finding a childhood friend and then finding them when you grow up again. But the beginning was original compared to the other stories, like it didn’t have the two vowing to see each other again.
Writing style: 4\5
I liked your writing style, concentrate on more with what the characters are feeling and how they are developing.
Overall enjoyment: 10/10
I did enjoy the story, I found it quite cute.
Overall score: 77.5/95
P.S. Sorry for the long long delay, I suddenly got quite busy these few weeks, thank you for patiently waiting, I apologize for the long delay.
I hope my review can improve your writing in the future. Fighting!
Labels: review
Story Title- It’s About What I Want
Story Author- AhnIlGyun Story URL- http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/68363/it-s-about-what-i-want-namwoohyun-oneshot-smut-sungyeol-woohyun-yaoi/18
Reviewer- Ishwarya @ Sunset Avenue
_____________________________________
Title- 4/5
Even though your title is simple, it is apt. It gives an idea of what the reader should expect from your story, and yet, it reveals nothing.
Poster/Background- 6/10.
Your poster is just average. Here are my reasons-
1. It is very simple. Your designer could have used more textures and patterns, and made it brighter.
2. The font used is very bland. She should have used different fonts ( the title and the tagline have the same fonts)
3. The pictures of the MCs could have been better ones.
Foreword- 3/5
When you mention ‘Foreword’ as a header, please refrain from giving the story details, when you started, when you finished, how many times you used the F-word, etc. That is not the foreword a reader would expect to see.
Anyway, considering that your foreword is titled as ‘teaser’, I think it revealed a major part of your one-shot. You should understand the knack of hiding the essential details.
Plot- 10/15
A very simple plot, but I managed to read it till the end. You gave a very vivid description of their intimacy, and it enhanced the beauty of your storyline. Keep it up! I hope you continue to write full-length stories.
Flow- 7/10
As it is a one-shot, reviewers expect a very stable flow. You have a very stable flow of writing, but in a few situations, I felt as if you just broke your flow abruptly.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary- 14/15
Perfect! You are good in your spellings and in grammar. Expect for a few tenses mistakes here and there (which can be ignored), your one-shot is flawless. However, I’d suggest you to expand your vocabulary.
Characterization- 5/10
You couldn’t characterize the MCs properly. I visualized both of them as two men who just wanted to have sex. I wish you could just elaborate on their personalities more, for example, give them a quirky look or habit etc.
Originality- 15/15
This is the first time I came across a story like yours. Very original, I enjoyed it very much.
Writing Style- 4/5
Your writing style was good. I liked it. But personally, I like more descriptions about situations and surroundings.
Overall Enjoyment- 8/10
Frankly, I don’t read much smut stories. But I liked your style!
Score: 76/100.
Labels: review
Author: Emerald
Title: IT IS TIME FOR JEMM AND THE MYSTERIES
Reviewer: Scorpio, SaMaNtHa
Site: Sunset Avenue
________________________________________________
Title: 4/5
I think your title sounds interesting, it can make people wonder who or what Jemm actually is. Furthermore, it does not really give away the plot besides the fact that it is a mystery story. I do not like titles that give away ideas and let readers know what to expect, I would prefer a more general title that can actually mean a few things. Like for example, a story titled “Victory” can mean victory over sports or matches, or it can mean winning in the context of winning a girl over as the guy’s lover or such.
Poster/Background: 7/10
Poster is pretty nice as the colours are neutral, but I think there’s too many characters cramped together at the left and their shapes are also slightly distorted as it turns out long and hence, improportionate. Background has matching colours and not contrasting so I think it’s a good match, but it’s kind of plain. It would be better if it has a few designs to liven up so that it’ll look more attractive, but not too much until its distracting.
Forewords: 3/5
Your foreword is good, but below it you included character introduction. You could have made do without them and let readers find out the characters’ personalities themselves so that it can create more suspense and readers will be more interested in reading. Furthermore character introduction lets readers know what to expect already. Although you also hinted or gave away the character pairings, I like the way you wrote it in the form of questions so I did not penalize you for that. Well done!
Plot: 9/15
Your plot is pretty interesting. But it wasn't very good, as in it wasn't the best as it could have been. Due to the lack of descriptions. In order to be able to write a mysterious and action themed story it requires LOTS of details, which your story lacked. If you want to enhance your story line, try putting more excitement, and try to describe the crime scenes more. I felt that you just skipped them and didn't really give the readers a insight of them. AND the cases, were solved too quickly and casually. Put in more suspense.
Flow: 8/10
Your flow was okay, it could have been better,
You tend to write in short and many sentences when you can actually use commas to join them together. It will make the flow better. You also tend to skip forward a lot, skipping many details. I disliked that fact, if you would have explained more of the scenes then skipping forward would work. But you don't use a lot of details you explain just enough then skip to the future.
The flow would be better if you explained more and try to reduce the fast fowards.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
Your grammar is fine, I find it okay as long as the story is readable – and I have to say I’m pretty strict about this aspect. I cannot stand stories that clumps everything into one big paragraph and lots of grammatical errors. It will affect the flow too as readers will have to figure out the correct form of the words and make sense of the story as they read it, which is annoying and turns people off. So great job! Your vocabulary is also not bad, the way you describe things is not repetitive so it won’t be boring. However I realized that whenever there is speech from a person, you tend to always start a sentence with it with the “ open inverted commas. This is repetitive because you do that all the time and I feel uncomfortable and weird as you have quite a lot of speeches too.
Chapter 1: "Watch we're you’re going nerd!" It’s not we’re, its where.
“the hallway became deathly quite” It should be quiet, not quite.
Spelling errors like this can be spotted, though not much. Do read through your chapter and check for spelling errors before you post them.
Characterization: 8/10
There were quite a lot of characters. I did not really connect with any of the characters. I knew they were detectives and very skilled at their jobs. But their characters were too perfect, and had no flaws so they seemed fake. I didn't really connect with their personalities. They were kind of bizarre. BUT I will give you points for the number of characters. I admire that you had a lot of characters, you managed to write them out so I admire you for that! Most authors stick with 2 or at most 4 characters, and you had more than that. Plus the minors and supporting roles were good. All your characters had a purpose and connected well with the story.
Originality: 15\15
The story was pretty original. I liked the idea of the girls wearing skin masks and having forbidden feelings. The originality was pretty nice, even if you wrote some ideas from movies it was still very nice.
Writing style: 3\5
After every paragraph, you might want to leave another line to distinguish that they are 2 paragraphs and make it neater and clearer. And again, longer sentences will be good. The way you write is more like what a primary school kid writes, do improve on it.
And please try to minimize your usage of dialogue. By having too much dialogue, it takes away the details and information. It seems like a script rather than a actual story. By using a lot of dialogue it makes the story less interesting, since its missing a lot of important details and descriptions. Its also pretty boring.
So try to use less dialogue and use more descriptions.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10
I, to be truthful didn't enjoy it, as much as I thought I would. The story was a drag to me because of the long dialogues and lack of details, but I did really love the story line. Its very interesting.
Overall score: 76/100
Note; we're sorry for the long wait, I hope the review helped you. Please don't think of this review negatively. We just want to help you improve, to become the author you know you can be! Thank you for requesting at Sunset Avenue!
Labels: review
Wonder Bang
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
STORY TITLE: Wonder Bang
STORY URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/wonderbangdy/
AUTHOR: Joanne Yu
REVIEWER: Ishwarya @ Secret Melodies
Title: 3/5
You should have chosen a better title. Your title gives an insight of what I should expect from your story, but its way too revealing. You should understand the knack of attracting your readers. And the secret lies in choosing a smart and innovative title.
Poster/Background: 6/10
The poster is really pretty but it does not blend well with the background. You could have opted for a better background. The composition of the images really displays the characters well and has all the ten characters, thus giving the poster a unique border. The color of the font used for the text could have been brighter.
Forewords: 2/5
The foreword is written very poorly. An author should be proud of the work that they put together so admitting that you cannot write ‘forewords’ in your forewords shows your lack of confidence in your writing. The extract which you wrote as your forewords, didn’t give me any idea of your story. A tip that can help you improve your forewords is to write maybe a section of your story that you think is interesting or a prologue that will lead the reader to the first chapter.
Plot: 9/15
Your plot is very monotonous. I mean, I’ve read many similar plots to the one you’ve chosen. Two groups collaborating and a love story amongst them, isn’t my cup of tea. However, you did make it interesting by adding quirkiness and dorkiness in them. It made me read it till the end.
Flow: 7/10
Your flow is very mismatched. It’s too slow in the beginning and too fast at times. It’s so hard to keep track of the plot if your flow doesn’t match in the course. Please steady your flow.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 12\15
Full points for your spellings. I didn’t find any major spelling errors except for some typos. Your vocabulary is good. But it’s always good to improve our diction, right? Why don’t you try to use a few complex words, make your readers want to run for their dictionaries, and to applaud you for your diction? That’ll be amusing, right?
Now, let’s review your grammar. You need to work on your grammar. You confuse with the usage of verbs and tenses. Past tenses and past perfect tenses are different. It’ll be great if you try solving some grammar exercises.
Characterization: 7/10
You should have described your characters’ main physical traits/emotional traits in your forewords. And because you didn’t, it was totally upto my choice as to how I picturised them. And in this way, your story was being controlled by me. This is a disadvantage. In doing this, you just expose your flaws. You must specify their distinct traits so that your readers picturize your characters just the way you dictate. But, on the positive side, you stuck to your characters personalities. Thumbs up for that! This is because, I’ve reviewed many stories where the reader strays away from the described personality of the character.
Originality: 12\15
Like I mentioned before, I’ve read similar stories. But I can understand that it’s not a plagiarized plot. So I’ll give you the credit for your originality, but I’ll advice you to expand your creativity.
Writing style: 3\5
I personally don’t prefer your writing style. Your style didn’t attract me at all. It’s lame at times and you have to work on your grammar. You should mend your writing style.
Overall enjoyment: 5/10
Work hard!
Overall score: 66/100
Labels: review