Friday, January 11, 2008
Name: Sparks Fly.
Author: Whimsical
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/whimsical/
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Title: 1/5
Okay, I get that the title is supposed to suggest love in the air. Yes, the story is about love but it isn’t specific enough. Technically I can call any love story Sparks Fly. It fails to interest and is too ambiguous.
[Soft Break]Poster/Background: 4/10
The poster is sufficiently informative but doesn’t convey anything about your story except your cast list. The background is just those words Sparks Fly and a quote which is okay if you faded out the color of the words more. It is kind of jarring should it overlap onto the words. And I didn’t get the pink font against white background. It is not very easy to read such font.
[Soft Break]Forewords: 2/5
The foreword is short but it hits home with the general idea. What is lacking is probably something that will interest readers. The storyline you described is firm but lacks luster because of the matter-of-fact manner of description. Readers will be wondering what’s exciting about the story. They can’t anticipate what to look out for. Is it for the action? Or the interactions between characters (and what kind of interaction it’ll be).
[Soft Break]Plot: 7/15
The plot is common with lots of logical flaws.
1) I don’t see how two people can kiss on a first date unless they’re already so in love with each other (Selena obviously doesn’t love Taylor as much as Taylor likes Selena).
2) Why is Tay rewriting a song she already sang?
3) Why is Selena pressing Taylor to talk to Tay? Doesn’t she like Taylor? Shouldn’t she stop Tay from telling Taylor? And if she doesn’t like Taylor that much, why did she kiss him?
4) Tay seems pretty accepting about Taylor’s rejection to be able to accept Taylor’s request to visit. Kind of weird person isn’t she?
But anyway, the crux of the story is there. It is only how the story played out that confounds me. Work more logic in your storyline please.
[Soft Break]Flow: 7/10
I think the flow of your writing is okay but the flow of the events seem rather abrupt and choppy. One moment Taylor is out with Selena, the next moment he races to Tay’s house because of what Selena said. Don’t these people have a life? How is it even possible that their love life dominates every single minute such that Tay is always free for Taylor?
[Soft Break]Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
Generally, your spelling and grammar is okay with exception of some (I believe) mistakes made by not proof reading. I listed some things I spotted (but it is not all) below. I suggest you expand your vocabulary because the whole story seems rather too plain already (with the extensiveness of dialogue) and so depth in phrasing and vocabulary must make up for it. But it is not there. Still, your story is still an easy read with decent language.
‘fell in love at first sight’ -> quite awkward: fell in love. It was love at first sight.
‘tearing up’ -> preferably, use something that doesn’t also mean reducing something into pieces.
‘At 10.55am, Selena arrive’ -> arrived
‘Their eyes locked, nobody looked away’ -> Their eyes met and neither of them looked away.
‘geet her mind’ -> spelling: get
‘felt like doing was lay in her bed and thought about Taylor’ ->think about Taylor
[Soft Break]Characterization: 3/10
Let me first tell you what I got from your writing.
1.Selena is a flirtatious person who totally supports polygamy since she encourages her to-be-boyfriend to talk to another girl who loves him.
2.Taylor is a boy too dumb to see love in his face. (Very stereotypical)
3.Tay is a girl who loves a guy for no particular reason (there isn’t a trait of Taylor that seems to be the reason for her affections), writes very literal songs, and is too cowardly to admit her love until she’s threatened.
As you can see, only Tay is slightly more fleshed out. The characterization is really too little and slightly illogical because you didn’t have back stories or any sort of setting that could depict the personality of these characters. I can’t tell if they are witty people, or honest people, or fiery people because their interactions are so bare. Also, the characters are kind of stereotypical because the storyline is stereotypical. I can’t give you much credit for this.
[Soft Break]Originality: 0 /10
What originality? (gosh this is becoming my favorite way to start this section). Person secretly in love with best friend and best friend falls for another girl. This is just too typical or Hollywood movies and cheap novels. And the worst part is that you didn’t add any twist in the story to spice it up. Maybe if the characters had more personality or if you talked about how amazingly they met, it’ll be more interesting. Now, the story is just insipid and common. There isn’t even any redeeming grace for me to spare you a mark. Sighs.
[Soft Break]Writing style: 1/5
Though writing massive chunks of dialogue can be considered a style, I don’t think I’m giving the marks to you because you didn’t know how to use such a style to express what you mean. There are many times I spot a window for you to go descriptive and talk about the characters’ feelings but you just rambled on with dialogue. This isn’t a show where you can see physical characters moving and what they’re wearing and how they look. This is a written piece so don’t write a script.
[Soft Break]Overall enjoyment: 3/10
Not painful to read but not engaging either. If you want to complain about not having readers, you might want to think why that is the case. You have potential to write good stories because you have a good language foundation which appeals to people. So think of a story and write. What you’re writing is not a story. It is some twisted diary of a girl.
[Soft Break]Bonus: 1/5
I hate this section. It forces me to give out marks that I don’t know why I should. But okay, fine, it’s my job. I shall just give you a bonus mark for your courage to get a review to improve yourself (not to show-off). Also, please don’t think that I’m being mean and that I’m bashing your fiction. I’m being thoroughly honest with whatever comments I’m making.
[Soft Break]Overall score: 39/100