Shes all that [Review]
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Author: cutterpill☺w
Story Title: She’s All That
Story URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/SAT
Reviewer: mokonanokawaii@sm-melodies.blogspot.com
Title: 4/5
The title of the story doesn't match the plot that much, but it does in a way. I see it as "She's all that bad stuff, why would you go out with her" way, so I gave you a 4/5 for that.
Poster/Background: 9/10
The background's good, but as for the poster, Miura Haruma's picture fits his personality of being indecisive/dependent, but Kato Rosa's character's attitude in the story doens't match the picture, from the way I see it.
Forewords: 5/5
The forewords were written perfectly, except for some mistakes in grammar & punctuations (but that's under something else), so I gave you a perfect score here.
Plot: 12/15
It was typical. There are lots of stories with plots like this. The ending is pretty obvious, too.
Flow: 8/10
The flow was good. There were no loopholes, but the story went a bit too fast, and your chapters were short, so it felt incomplete. I understand that they fell in love with each other during their time in the attic, but you could've shown it, too, just to make your chapters longer.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 5/10
In the chapters of your story, I saw footnotes saying, "Sorry for my mistakes." You could reread your story to make sure that there aren't any mistakes. I didn't spot a wrongly spelled word, but I did spot some wrongly placed punctuations and grammar.
For grammar, you used the wrong prepositions. (ex. "Especially, when I saw Haru-kun with a girl—her hands were locked on his." Instead of on, it should've been in. This sentence is incomplete, too.) There were times when you wrongly used past tenses and present tenses, too. You also used colons (:) in wrong places, like "The reason why I have to change school and to move here is because: my mom is so eager to live near her sister." You didn't have to use one there.
Characterization: 10/10
You did a good job with the characters, so I have no complaints here. People could even relate to them.
Originality: 6/10
Like I said, there are lots of stories with plots like this. This kind of plot is so overly used. It's not original.
Writing style: 3/5
You're writing style was okay, but I felt like it had to be more descriptive. This is what I mean:
"I held the microphone near my lips and say,“…Kato Rosa, I love you. I really do. Would you be my girlfriend?”
Her eyes were sparkling again, almost teary eyed. “I’m sorry. I can’t.” Ouch, that hurts. I wanted to cry."
You could've written more to make it more beautiful. I'm sure if someone did that and was rejected, they wouldn't just think "Ouch, that hurts."
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
Sometimes when I read stories, I stop halfway through the first chapter (and continue next time if I had to read it) because the plot is so not good, the writing style is annoying, or I couldn't understand anything. With yours though, there wasn't anything that made me want to stop reading. It didn't bore me. It was good, though not great, but I did enjoy it.
Overall score: 71/100
Notes: Sorry, if you think that I was being harsh on you. I mean peace. :)>- I only wanted to help you get better in writing. Thanks for choosing me to be your reviewer, by the way. Please come and request at sm-melodies.blogspot.com again! :)