Girl Meets Boy [Review]
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Author: OneOfHottest
Title: Girl Meets Boy
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2pm/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://sm-melodies.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
I can get the title and somehow it actually suit the story well because it portrays what happen after Nicole and main character meet the guys, but I find it disturbing to see it in singular nouns when the story is about 2 girls and many guys. Isn’t it making more sense if you put Girls meet Boys instead? Also I didn’t find the title eye-catching, it is too simple, but after I read through the story, I find the title to play quite a big role in the plot.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I really like the poster, not because I work for the same site as the graphic maker, but it really bring out the mood, and I like how the poster fill with bright colors that contradict the base color, black. I find it attractive and appealing. The fonts used and the symbols also beautifully arranged, with a good quality of opacity and blending. But, I deduct the mark for the background, I especially fussy about this one. I never fond of plain background, except for certain circumstances, and even though I saw the title on it, I’m not sure because it’s a bit blurry, but it could use more to it. But in overall, I think it looks awesome.
Forewords: 2/5
I can’t call it a forewords because it’s more like an author note to me. You also miss some basic info such genre, length and background. I didn’t think info on characters is needed because the readers will tend to find out about them through the story and it would ruin the whole surprise if it was given away too much. Even the summary is more like an author note to me, maybe you can learn on how to write the forewords from the other stories, try to look around and get idea from there. Don’t worry; it’s not hard to write forewords.
Plot: 13/15
I like your plot the most, it’s hard to find a story like this. It’s mostly portraying friendship, than common love story, even though maybe, that term will come up later. The story line is good, with no jumping scene or awkward setting. Even the mood, playing around in this story is quite obvious, like a normal high school story. But I like how your start the story by meeting Nicole and the main character, follow by the rest of the characters, instead of starting it in the school. This kind of scene is quite rare and mostly, not all writers know how to write it, because the random changes in setting sometimes could be confusing too. But seems like the story haven’t finish yet, I can’t get the real plot in my mind, so my imagination start to play from there. The only thing I can figure out is that Nichole is in love with Woo, and the main character is in love with Taec, if I’m not mistaken and correct me if I’m wrong. And because of that too, I can’t figure out what kind of scene will you put in the story, but I advice you to make it surprising and shocking, so it would add some entertainment in the storyline, instead of suing the common scene. Try to end it unexpectedly too and make some twist to the drama to make it interesting to read.
Flow: 5/10
the flow is too fast. There’s no vivid description of the scenes, and you just bolt up to the next without explaining the time span of one scene and another. You just point the day out without elaboration, making it appear unimportant, so it won’t influence the readers’ mind too much because you just throw it in with no supporting image. I can also see that time frame of the story is quite short, as if everything happens in coincidence, but to think about it logically; would everything happen in a fast motion? Can coincidence be too precise? And can reality be too good to be true? Try to be logical in your timing, because this is not a fantasy story, and even fantasy story need logical time frame to put the scenes in a correct place. So, try to figure this out. Remember, flow is most vulnerable part of the story, and no one can ever get a full mark because there’s always a flaw in some parts, no matter how good it is, but practice makes perfect, so try your best and don’t give up.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/15
I’ve found a lot of mistakes here and you tend to repeat it again and again, making it appears as not an accidental error. Now, let’s take a long ride on this one, shall we?
1) "I'M COMING" you yelled.
(After I’m coming, there’s supposed to have punctuation mark to end the dialogue, it can either be a comma or period (.) But if you put a comma, then ‘you’ in the next sentence supposed to be in small letter, but if you use period, ‘you’ will be in capital letter.)
2) "Sweetheart! The breakfast is ready." your mam shouted.
(You misspelled the word mom. It’s supposed to be o not a.)
3) "Me and your mother will go to Paris this week. We will be there for long. Do you want to come or you will stay here?"
(Please don’t chop your words in a wrong place. You can actually combine the sentence, and it would be better if you say, ‘your mother and I’ instead of ‘me and your mother’. Also, you miss a few words, making it awkward in a way and you also misplace a word too. Correction: "Your mother and I will go to Paris this week; we will be there for a long time. Do you want to come or will you stay here?"
4) "Of course it's your choice"
(Don’t forget comma after ‘of course’, and don’t forget punctuation mark (comma or period) to end the dialogue.)
5) "Don't worry mam. I'll be okay"
(Again, spelling mistakes and punctuation mark is missing.)
6) "Okay I'm goiong to work."
(You forget comma again after ‘Okay’ and you misspelled going.)
7) "Okay Let's go" you said following your father.
(Correction: “Okay, let’s go.” You said, following your father.)
8) You was alredy in the mall.
(Was supposed to be were and you misspelled already.)
9) After some minutes he comes out with 7 boxes.
(Aren’t the story supposed to be in past tense? So it should be came and don’t forget comma after minutes.)
10) "Oh Thanks."
(Thanks shouldn’t be in capital letter.)
11) "Thanks. Bye" you and Nicole said in same time.
(Correction: “Thanks, bye.” You and Nicole said in the same time.)
12) "Sweetheart why are you yelling. And your dad is not here. What's the matter?" your mam said from the kitchen.
(No choppy words, please. Correction: “Sweetheart, why are you yelling? Your dad is not here, what’s the matter?” Your mom said from the kitchen.)
13) "Yeah, mam meet Nicole. Nicole this is my mam" you smiled.
(Again, don’t forget comma. Correction: “Yeah, mom, meet Nicole. Nicole, this is my mom.” You smiled.)
14) "Nice to meet you Nicole. From where you come?" your mam asked.
(This sentence doesn’t sound right. Correction: “Nice to meet you, Nicole. Where are you from?” Your mom asked.)
15) "I'm coming from United States." Nicole smiled.
(You cannot used present continuous nouns here because it would make Nicole are coming there, not exactly there. Correction: “I’m from United State.” Nicole smiled. OR. “I came from United State.” Nicole smiled.)
16) "Buisness.. you know"
(You misspelled business and you just make a punctuation mistake. Ellipsis should only exist in a set of three, and don’t forget to end the dialogue with punctuation mark.)
17) "________ can you make favor for me?" Nicole asked biting her lips.
(I can never get why you have to do this. Maybe, because you want the reader to put their name there themselves, but it look wrong in a way, and you cannot make someone’s favor, instead it should be ‘do’. You can always put: “hey, can you do me a favor?” Nicole asked, biting her lips.)
18) "Yeah." she pouted again, cuz of your laugh.
(She supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence, and don’t use short-form (cuz, wanna, etc) in elaboration. You can only use that in dialogue as a lingo or dialect, but never in sentence.)
19) "Dunno. I'll go to see who is this."
(You misplaced a word, it should be ‘this is’ and you didn’t need to use ‘to’ when you’re already say go.)
20) "Well I have to go now. I'll come later." he smiled and then he vanished
(Correction: “Well, I have to go now. I’ll come later.” He smiled before he vanished.)
21) You was looking in other way, while Nicole trys to get cashier's atention.
(Spelling mistakes: was should be were, trys whould be tries and atention should be attention.)
22) "No. I think it will be funny if we go somewhere together" he smiled.
(Correction: “No, I think it will be fun if we go somewhere together.” He smiled. Isn’t it weird to say funny in such words to girls? It could give a bad effect, like he doesn’t want to go with the girls. Funny is not a suitable term to use.)
23) "Oh he is suck a gentleman." you said.
(Spelling mistake: suck should be such, and don’t forget comma after Oh. ‘You’ supposed to be in capital too.)
24) "Hey come in" she steped aside.
(I swear I repeat this like hundred, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t forget your comma after hey and please put punctuation mark in the dialogue to end it. She should be in capital letter, you also misspelled steped, it supposed to be stepped.)
25) You opened the door. "Hwy Junho come in" you steped aside.
(Correction: You opened the door, “Hey Junho, come in.” You stepped aside.)
26) "________ what are you doing for breakfast, cuz I'm so hungry like a best I can eat you two"
(It is not needed to put that blank space there because you could easily replace it with another word. Try to compare the correction: “So what are you cooking for breakfast? Cuz’ I’m so hungry like a beast that I can eat you two. Punctuation mark and spelling mistakes spotted.)
27) "Whoa it's Rain's song" Junho yelled. Then he star to sing in english.
(Correction: “Whoa, its Rain’s song.” Junho yelled, before he started to sing in English.)
28) "Okay. I'll give it to __________ when she wake up" Taek smiled.
(Correction: “Okay, I’ll give it to her when she wakes up.” Taec smiled. You misspelled the character’s name and don’t chop your word, connect them with conjunction.)
29) "Calm Down" you laughed
(There’s no reason for down to be in capital letter. Correction: “Calm down.” You laughed.)
30) "So ... are we going to make a party?"
(Don’t put space after so and before are because it’s unneeded. Correction: “So…are we going to make a party?”
31) "What friends. Boys are strange. Girls are stupid"
(Correction: “What friends? Boys are strange and girls are stupid.” Again, no choppy words please.)
32) "Oh. Thank you. You too" Woo smiled.
(You chop the unnecessary sentence. Correction: “Oh, thank you and you too.” Woo smiled.)
33) "That's not in your bussiness."
(In shouldn’t be used in this sentence and you misspelled business. Correction: “That’s not your business.”)
34) Siwon, Junsu and TOP jointed too.
(Joint means the junction between bones or dividing point on plant stem. It should be joined.)
35) "I knew that" I knew that he will make something like this."
(You miss-typed this sentence, it should be: “I knew it! I knew he will make something like this.”)
36) "I can't open this bottle" Nicole handed to Taec bottle with water.
(Correction: “I can’t open this bottle.” Nicole handed a bottle of water to Taec.)
37) "You are in love with my brothers" Nicole yelled.
(As far as I know, the main character was pointing to Taec, exclude the other one. So brother should be in singular form.)
38) "I said let her go" TaeGoon yelled. Then Siwon let Nicole's hand and you two went in your class room.
(Correction: “I said, let her go!” TaeGoon yelled and then Siwon let Nicole’s hand go before you two went into your class. You got missing words here, so recheck please.)
There’s so many mistakes, but I won’t point all of them because it will take longer than that, after all most of it is repeated mistakes so I hope you got the point. Don’t rush when you are writing because it will leave too many mistakes, decreasing your writing skill as well as your English proficiency. Try to recheck your work and don’t forget to do that after you done writing and before you post them. You can use spell check in Microsoft Words or you can do it manually. It usually works better if you do it manually anyway.
Characterization: 5/10 your story lack of elaboration so characterizations are quite blurry. I still cannot get the main character’s habit, her thoughts, her feeling and how she thinks she’s doing in her life. All of the characters are missing these points and you pay more attention in the story line instead of the characters. Don’t do that because it will make the story incomplete. But I have to say, the most interesting character in this story is Wooyoung, because of his crack of ‘Mister X’ term, I mostly laugh when he said that.
Originality: 8/10 there’s not many story around like this and I like how you play around with settings and create a multiple scene in the same background. This will decrease the confusion because using too many characters and too many backgrounds can disturb the flow, as well as the story line. You also start the fic in your own way that makes it look rare and you center on friendship term more than love relationship so thumb up for that. But a few common scenes and fantasy-like scene makes the story illogical, so I have deducted on that.
Writing style: 2/5 I don’t really like your writing style; It’s simple, yes, but too simple is bad. You didn’t elaborate on the scenes, including the characters, making the story somehow lacking. Don’t depends on dialogues too much and try to create balance in them. Elaborations are as much as important as dialogue so don’t forget to write them in precise detail.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10 at first, there’s too many mistakes for me to handle, so my eyes roamed around, extracting them, than paying attention to the story but when the story starts to get in, I find that this kind of story is quite fun. Even though it’s missing a lot of aspects but you managed to catch my attention with the plot, quite impressive.
Bonus: 2/5
I give you bonus because…
1) Your plot is good and you start your story well.
2) You story is enjoyable and you didn’t lose your originality, as you keep your style constant throughout the whole chapters.
But I deduct 3 marks because…
1) Your spelling, transition, grammar, punctuation marks, choppy sentences bring down my interest as well as your skill.
2) You lack of forewords skill, so you need to focus on this and learn how to write a proper one.
3) Even though you doesn’t have any jumpy scene, but your flow is too fast with no proper elaboration, which makes your story in less detail and incomplete.
Overall score: 59/100
Title: Girl Meets Boy
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/2pm/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://sm-melodies.blogspot.com/
Title: 3/5
I can get the title and somehow it actually suit the story well because it portrays what happen after Nicole and main character meet the guys, but I find it disturbing to see it in singular nouns when the story is about 2 girls and many guys. Isn’t it making more sense if you put Girls meet Boys instead? Also I didn’t find the title eye-catching, it is too simple, but after I read through the story, I find the title to play quite a big role in the plot.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I really like the poster, not because I work for the same site as the graphic maker, but it really bring out the mood, and I like how the poster fill with bright colors that contradict the base color, black. I find it attractive and appealing. The fonts used and the symbols also beautifully arranged, with a good quality of opacity and blending. But, I deduct the mark for the background, I especially fussy about this one. I never fond of plain background, except for certain circumstances, and even though I saw the title on it, I’m not sure because it’s a bit blurry, but it could use more to it. But in overall, I think it looks awesome.
Forewords: 2/5
I can’t call it a forewords because it’s more like an author note to me. You also miss some basic info such genre, length and background. I didn’t think info on characters is needed because the readers will tend to find out about them through the story and it would ruin the whole surprise if it was given away too much. Even the summary is more like an author note to me, maybe you can learn on how to write the forewords from the other stories, try to look around and get idea from there. Don’t worry; it’s not hard to write forewords.
Plot: 13/15
I like your plot the most, it’s hard to find a story like this. It’s mostly portraying friendship, than common love story, even though maybe, that term will come up later. The story line is good, with no jumping scene or awkward setting. Even the mood, playing around in this story is quite obvious, like a normal high school story. But I like how your start the story by meeting Nicole and the main character, follow by the rest of the characters, instead of starting it in the school. This kind of scene is quite rare and mostly, not all writers know how to write it, because the random changes in setting sometimes could be confusing too. But seems like the story haven’t finish yet, I can’t get the real plot in my mind, so my imagination start to play from there. The only thing I can figure out is that Nichole is in love with Woo, and the main character is in love with Taec, if I’m not mistaken and correct me if I’m wrong. And because of that too, I can’t figure out what kind of scene will you put in the story, but I advice you to make it surprising and shocking, so it would add some entertainment in the storyline, instead of suing the common scene. Try to end it unexpectedly too and make some twist to the drama to make it interesting to read.
Flow: 5/10
the flow is too fast. There’s no vivid description of the scenes, and you just bolt up to the next without explaining the time span of one scene and another. You just point the day out without elaboration, making it appear unimportant, so it won’t influence the readers’ mind too much because you just throw it in with no supporting image. I can also see that time frame of the story is quite short, as if everything happens in coincidence, but to think about it logically; would everything happen in a fast motion? Can coincidence be too precise? And can reality be too good to be true? Try to be logical in your timing, because this is not a fantasy story, and even fantasy story need logical time frame to put the scenes in a correct place. So, try to figure this out. Remember, flow is most vulnerable part of the story, and no one can ever get a full mark because there’s always a flaw in some parts, no matter how good it is, but practice makes perfect, so try your best and don’t give up.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/15
I’ve found a lot of mistakes here and you tend to repeat it again and again, making it appears as not an accidental error. Now, let’s take a long ride on this one, shall we?
1) "I'M COMING" you yelled.
(After I’m coming, there’s supposed to have punctuation mark to end the dialogue, it can either be a comma or period (.) But if you put a comma, then ‘you’ in the next sentence supposed to be in small letter, but if you use period, ‘you’ will be in capital letter.)
2) "Sweetheart! The breakfast is ready." your mam shouted.
(You misspelled the word mom. It’s supposed to be o not a.)
3) "Me and your mother will go to Paris this week. We will be there for long. Do you want to come or you will stay here?"
(Please don’t chop your words in a wrong place. You can actually combine the sentence, and it would be better if you say, ‘your mother and I’ instead of ‘me and your mother’. Also, you miss a few words, making it awkward in a way and you also misplace a word too. Correction: "Your mother and I will go to Paris this week; we will be there for a long time. Do you want to come or will you stay here?"
4) "Of course it's your choice"
(Don’t forget comma after ‘of course’, and don’t forget punctuation mark (comma or period) to end the dialogue.)
5) "Don't worry mam. I'll be okay"
(Again, spelling mistakes and punctuation mark is missing.)
6) "Okay I'm goiong to work."
(You forget comma again after ‘Okay’ and you misspelled going.)
7) "Okay Let's go" you said following your father.
(Correction: “Okay, let’s go.” You said, following your father.)
8) You was alredy in the mall.
(Was supposed to be were and you misspelled already.)
9) After some minutes he comes out with 7 boxes.
(Aren’t the story supposed to be in past tense? So it should be came and don’t forget comma after minutes.)
10) "Oh Thanks."
(Thanks shouldn’t be in capital letter.)
11) "Thanks. Bye" you and Nicole said in same time.
(Correction: “Thanks, bye.” You and Nicole said in the same time.)
12) "Sweetheart why are you yelling. And your dad is not here. What's the matter?" your mam said from the kitchen.
(No choppy words, please. Correction: “Sweetheart, why are you yelling? Your dad is not here, what’s the matter?” Your mom said from the kitchen.)
13) "Yeah, mam meet Nicole. Nicole this is my mam" you smiled.
(Again, don’t forget comma. Correction: “Yeah, mom, meet Nicole. Nicole, this is my mom.” You smiled.)
14) "Nice to meet you Nicole. From where you come?" your mam asked.
(This sentence doesn’t sound right. Correction: “Nice to meet you, Nicole. Where are you from?” Your mom asked.)
15) "I'm coming from United States." Nicole smiled.
(You cannot used present continuous nouns here because it would make Nicole are coming there, not exactly there. Correction: “I’m from United State.” Nicole smiled. OR. “I came from United State.” Nicole smiled.)
16) "Buisness.. you know"
(You misspelled business and you just make a punctuation mistake. Ellipsis should only exist in a set of three, and don’t forget to end the dialogue with punctuation mark.)
17) "________ can you make favor for me?" Nicole asked biting her lips.
(I can never get why you have to do this. Maybe, because you want the reader to put their name there themselves, but it look wrong in a way, and you cannot make someone’s favor, instead it should be ‘do’. You can always put: “hey, can you do me a favor?” Nicole asked, biting her lips.)
18) "Yeah." she pouted again, cuz of your laugh.
(She supposed to be in capital letter because it’s the start of a new sentence, and don’t use short-form (cuz, wanna, etc) in elaboration. You can only use that in dialogue as a lingo or dialect, but never in sentence.)
19) "Dunno. I'll go to see who is this."
(You misplaced a word, it should be ‘this is’ and you didn’t need to use ‘to’ when you’re already say go.)
20) "Well I have to go now. I'll come later." he smiled and then he vanished
(Correction: “Well, I have to go now. I’ll come later.” He smiled before he vanished.)
21) You was looking in other way, while Nicole trys to get cashier's atention.
(Spelling mistakes: was should be were, trys whould be tries and atention should be attention.)
22) "No. I think it will be funny if we go somewhere together" he smiled.
(Correction: “No, I think it will be fun if we go somewhere together.” He smiled. Isn’t it weird to say funny in such words to girls? It could give a bad effect, like he doesn’t want to go with the girls. Funny is not a suitable term to use.)
23) "Oh he is suck a gentleman." you said.
(Spelling mistake: suck should be such, and don’t forget comma after Oh. ‘You’ supposed to be in capital too.)
24) "Hey come in" she steped aside.
(I swear I repeat this like hundred, and I cannot stress this enough, don’t forget your comma after hey and please put punctuation mark in the dialogue to end it. She should be in capital letter, you also misspelled steped, it supposed to be stepped.)
25) You opened the door. "Hwy Junho come in" you steped aside.
(Correction: You opened the door, “Hey Junho, come in.” You stepped aside.)
26) "________ what are you doing for breakfast, cuz I'm so hungry like a best I can eat you two"
(It is not needed to put that blank space there because you could easily replace it with another word. Try to compare the correction: “So what are you cooking for breakfast? Cuz’ I’m so hungry like a beast that I can eat you two. Punctuation mark and spelling mistakes spotted.)
27) "Whoa it's Rain's song" Junho yelled. Then he star to sing in english.
(Correction: “Whoa, its Rain’s song.” Junho yelled, before he started to sing in English.)
28) "Okay. I'll give it to __________ when she wake up" Taek smiled.
(Correction: “Okay, I’ll give it to her when she wakes up.” Taec smiled. You misspelled the character’s name and don’t chop your word, connect them with conjunction.)
29) "Calm Down" you laughed
(There’s no reason for down to be in capital letter. Correction: “Calm down.” You laughed.)
30) "So ... are we going to make a party?"
(Don’t put space after so and before are because it’s unneeded. Correction: “So…are we going to make a party?”
31) "What friends. Boys are strange. Girls are stupid"
(Correction: “What friends? Boys are strange and girls are stupid.” Again, no choppy words please.)
32) "Oh. Thank you. You too" Woo smiled.
(You chop the unnecessary sentence. Correction: “Oh, thank you and you too.” Woo smiled.)
33) "That's not in your bussiness."
(In shouldn’t be used in this sentence and you misspelled business. Correction: “That’s not your business.”)
34) Siwon, Junsu and TOP jointed too.
(Joint means the junction between bones or dividing point on plant stem. It should be joined.)
35) "I knew that" I knew that he will make something like this."
(You miss-typed this sentence, it should be: “I knew it! I knew he will make something like this.”)
36) "I can't open this bottle" Nicole handed to Taec bottle with water.
(Correction: “I can’t open this bottle.” Nicole handed a bottle of water to Taec.)
37) "You are in love with my brothers" Nicole yelled.
(As far as I know, the main character was pointing to Taec, exclude the other one. So brother should be in singular form.)
38) "I said let her go" TaeGoon yelled. Then Siwon let Nicole's hand and you two went in your class room.
(Correction: “I said, let her go!” TaeGoon yelled and then Siwon let Nicole’s hand go before you two went into your class. You got missing words here, so recheck please.)
There’s so many mistakes, but I won’t point all of them because it will take longer than that, after all most of it is repeated mistakes so I hope you got the point. Don’t rush when you are writing because it will leave too many mistakes, decreasing your writing skill as well as your English proficiency. Try to recheck your work and don’t forget to do that after you done writing and before you post them. You can use spell check in Microsoft Words or you can do it manually. It usually works better if you do it manually anyway.
Characterization: 5/10 your story lack of elaboration so characterizations are quite blurry. I still cannot get the main character’s habit, her thoughts, her feeling and how she thinks she’s doing in her life. All of the characters are missing these points and you pay more attention in the story line instead of the characters. Don’t do that because it will make the story incomplete. But I have to say, the most interesting character in this story is Wooyoung, because of his crack of ‘Mister X’ term, I mostly laugh when he said that.
Originality: 8/10 there’s not many story around like this and I like how you play around with settings and create a multiple scene in the same background. This will decrease the confusion because using too many characters and too many backgrounds can disturb the flow, as well as the story line. You also start the fic in your own way that makes it look rare and you center on friendship term more than love relationship so thumb up for that. But a few common scenes and fantasy-like scene makes the story illogical, so I have deducted on that.
Writing style: 2/5 I don’t really like your writing style; It’s simple, yes, but too simple is bad. You didn’t elaborate on the scenes, including the characters, making the story somehow lacking. Don’t depends on dialogues too much and try to create balance in them. Elaborations are as much as important as dialogue so don’t forget to write them in precise detail.
Overall enjoyment: 7/10 at first, there’s too many mistakes for me to handle, so my eyes roamed around, extracting them, than paying attention to the story but when the story starts to get in, I find that this kind of story is quite fun. Even though it’s missing a lot of aspects but you managed to catch my attention with the plot, quite impressive.
Bonus: 2/5
I give you bonus because…
1) Your plot is good and you start your story well.
2) You story is enjoyable and you didn’t lose your originality, as you keep your style constant throughout the whole chapters.
But I deduct 3 marks because…
1) Your spelling, transition, grammar, punctuation marks, choppy sentences bring down my interest as well as your skill.
2) You lack of forewords skill, so you need to focus on this and learn how to write a proper one.
3) Even though you doesn’t have any jumpy scene, but your flow is too fast with no proper elaboration, which makes your story in less detail and incomplete.
Overall score: 59/100