Endless Forlorn [Review]
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Author: Mariel.D
Title: Endless Forlorn
Link: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/Guilun15/
Reviewer: Pararae
Site: http://sm-melodies.blogspot.com/
Title: 5/5
I know that you change the title after you receive the first two reviews of your story and personally, I love the new one better. Endless forlorn describes the plot and GuiGui’s life that full of pain, sadness and suffering until the day she dies. It’s also good to see a good word such ‘forlorn’ in the title instead of the usual cliché words like lonely, miserable, hopeless etc… Even though the title is simple but I can say it is interesting because for angst lover like me, I will surely click on the title if I ever come across it in winglin by accident. So good job in writing the title.
Poster/Background: 8/10
Phebs is popular for her good designing skill and I can totally say that the poster is great. I love the blending of colors, the pictures’ arrangement, the fonts and the background. Even though there’s not much design on the background but it color saturation and the title are really amazing. Instead of the usual common one-color-type background, this background put a whole new light to combination of colors. However, I can see that the picture is not a high quality picture so try to provide a better quality pictures next time.
Forewords: 3/5
you have a good forewords and I like how you put those POV or a brief thoughts of the characters unlike some story that describe their physicals and likes. It’s totally new to see it there and it’s good that it got to do with the plot. However, I’ve found a lot of mistakes in the forewords so let’s take a look at this…
1. “Endless Forlorn“by: Mariel D.(You should give space between quotation mark (“”) and by: Mariel D.)
2. I have already forbidden my heart to live in dreams,(Correction: I have already forbid my heart to live in dreams. Forbidden is grammatically wrong to fit in the sentence.)
3. “One box of kiss, Twelve kilos of hug, Ten dozens of care and One million bottles of Love”(There is no need for you to capitalize the words and don’t put quotation marks because it’s not a dialogue. Correction: One box of kiss, twelve kilos of hug, ten dozens of care and one million bottles of love.)
4. In a not very familiar school in taiwan. There is always a fight between sections starting freshman(Don’t chop your words. Correction: In a not very familiar school in Taiwan, there is always a fight between sections starting freshman.)
5. Compiting(You misspelled competing.)
6. Maybe, she really is that though.(Though? Do you mean tough?)
7. her ENEMY knew something about her, No, it's not just "SOMETHING",GuiGui might leave us tommorow, to follow her family, to meet happiness 0nce again in heaven.(‘Her’ supposed to be capitalize, ‘enemy’ shouldn’t be capitalize, even though you try to stress on the word but capitalization is unneeded, ‘no’ shouldn’t be capitalized too, quotation mark in “something” is wrong but you could substitute that with (‘’) instead and the correct spelling is ‘tomorrow’. A comma is unneeded after ‘tomorrow’ and ‘her family’ and ‘once’ shouldn’t be capitalized. Correction: Her enemy knew something about her, no, it's not just something. GuiGui might leave us tomorrow to follow her family to meet happiness once again in heaven.)
Plot: 10/15
Well, the plot is ok and I like the term of fighting between classes because of it’s rare in this kind of story. The story started nicely with a fight between classes and GuiGui’s grandmother brought into a hospital because it will stress on the contradiction of her life in school and her real life outside the school gate. The ending is also good because at least I know it’s a little different than a usual story of happy ending. The way GuiGui died was also almost realistic because she was not involve in the usual dramatic stunt the writers love to write about and it looked she gave on life and even though she knew the threat, but she took the bullet anyway, like a planned coincidence.
Flow: 7/10 the flow is ok in most part but the part where Aaron found GuiGui in the elevator and decided to read her diary is totally fast. He also decided to accompany GuiGui out of sudden so try to put a little distant between them first because rushing their friendship is not good. I mean, how can a sword enemy become friend just after reading a diary? It doesn’t make sense. Also when Aaron left Hebe for GuiGui was totally fast. I know fast forward a certain scene but I advice you not to do that unless you really good at it. To fast forward a scene without ruining the flow of the story, you need a good elaboration of the characters’ (Aaron and GuiGui) changes; mentally, physically, in a sense of amateurism etc. So try to explain more and give more detail on the time you fast forward by using flashback or scene scanning by giving the readers a peak of what happen.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 4/15
I’ve found a lot of mistakes from the start of the chapter to the end. So, let’s take a look at this.
1. I'm worried that One day,(No reason for you to capitalize ‘one’ in the sentence.)
2. Aaron sighed once more, he went towards his mom and watch her, sleeping soundly(‘Watch’ supposed to be in past tense, ‘watched’ because you write the entire story in past tense.)
3. He walked with her down to his Car and drove her home.(No need for you to capitalize ‘car’.)
4. I don’t want that childish fight to affect us when we’re out in school(‘Out in school’ is wrong, it’s supposed to be ‘out of school’.)
5. Now gui, I want you to understand everything perfectly.(Gui is a name so you need to capitalize it.)
6. GuiGui lies down as she cries.(‘Lies’ and ‘cries’ should be in past tense.)
7. "I wish someone will Love me as I am, even though there were some interferences, it's okay, As long as He loves me"(Love and he shouldn’t be in capital letter.)
8. "Who's there?".(Period (.) behind the quotation mark is wrong. There shouldn’t be any punctuation mark outside dialogue.)
9. Later on, it stops(Stops should be stopped.)
10. It’s so many, many pictures of me.(Many shouldn’t be repeated. Correction: It had so many pictures of me.)
11. “Uhmm, Excuse me, Are you okay??"(After comma (,) no capital letter should be include except for a name or special nouns.)
12. "ahaha, Is it that funny, you'll laugh like that!?"(Correction: “Hahahaha, is it that funny, you’ll laugh like that?!”)
13. "0fcourse... I investigated."(Make sure you leave a space between ‘of course’.)
14. "Oh yeah, belated happy birthday, Gui!"I really can't controll it,(Put space between quotation mark and I, and you misspelled control.)
15. That’s the way we look at things that makes this world worthwhile , not our judgment.”(Do not double space ‘worthwhile’ and comma and it should be; that was the way…because it should be past tense.)
16. But… he has already Hebe, why should he go here and tell all those things?(This sentence is wrong. Correction: But…he already has Hebe, why should he come here and tell me all those things?)
17. her sister...?Maybe it’s better not to ask her now. I told her to go in the room while I just stay here outsid.(You misspelled outside.)
18. I walked away and explore around the hospital.(Correction: I walked away and explored the hospital.)
19. I sat inside and closed my eyes. I closed my eyes.(Do not repeat the same sentence again.)
20. “Erm… I’m waiting for my Girlfriend” What? I’m shocked when I pronounced the word *Gorlfriend*(Girlfriend shouldn’t be capitalize and you misspelled it the second time.)
21. She wipes her tears away but seems like it was never going to end.(She wiped. Watch your past tense.)
22. He stayed away from the emergency door, until she heard a fearful sound.(Isn’t she supposed to be he? Because you’re talking about Aaron, not GuiGui.)
23. He walks off and disappeared through the dark.(Please watch your tense; walks supposed to be walked.)
24. “One box of kiss, Twelve kilos of hug, ten dozens of care and One million bottles of Love,”(Again, do not capitalize this.)
Characterization: 6/10
I can understand GuiGui and Aaron, but what about Hebe? Isn’t she important too? I want to know why Aaron chose GuiGui over Hebe? I know you give reason of because GuiGui needs Aaron more than Hebe but isn’t Hebe needs him too? I mean, loving someone is choosing who need him more? Hebe cried after Aaron left her so obviously Hebe needs Aaron too and she feels hurt because of his decision. If you love someone would you leave her because someone else needs you more? And how can a guy fall in love with two girls at the same time? Isn’t that cheating? That part, I can’t see how realistic it is. So try to find more realistic reason. A solid, well pointed out reason why Aaron needs to leave Hebe for GuiGui. Needing someone and choose her because of that sole reason is just not logic. So try to find another point to support this decision. I’m sure there’s more reason for Aaron to leave Hebe right?
Originality: 7/10
well, fall in love with an enemy is common but love story is overused in the first place anyway. I can see the original in a few scenes that you have written and I like the fighting between classes theme because I always like rivalry things and the ending is original too. But you use a few more actions and twisted scene to work the overused aspect of falling in love with an enemy things work out or maybe you can just add a few actions to make the story interesting rather than a passive scene. But you did great in most of it so keep it up.
Writing style: 2/5
well, I realize that you tend to use a simple basic English instead of big words. I know using them is not that important as long as you get it right but by using them you can enhance your English vocabulary skill so there’s no harm in trying. Also, there are too many choppy sentences and repeated words here and there so I hope you revise your story after you’re writing them and before you post them. Using spell check is good but I advice you to do it manually because the mistakes are not hard to spot on. However, I like the way you write a quite long paragraph because it shows that you give an explanation to the point. But try to double space the dialogue. For example: After I change, I went to the living room to see them. “GuiGui, are you okay?” Wang Zi asked. I nodded and smiled “I’m fine. Why did you come here anyway?” I asked him while sitting beside them two. He replied “I was to fetch you” he paused. I thoughthe was finished but he continued “And… your friends.” He whispered and glanced at Xiao Xun. I smiled and told them “Then let’s go! We only have thirty minutes” We stood up and went outside. Instead of stacking the dialogue together, it’s neater and easier to understand by separating it like this: After I change, I went to the living room to see them. “GuiGui, are you okay?” Wang Zi asked. I nodded and smiled “I’m fine. Why did you come here anyway?” I asked him while sitting beside them two. He replied “I was to fetch you” he paused. I thought he was finished but he continued “And… your friends.” He whispered and glanced at Xiao Xun. I smiled and told them “Then let’s go! We only have thirty minutes” We stood up and went outside.
Overall enjoyment: 6/10
Bonus: 3/5
I give you 3 bonuses because…
1. You write a great title
2. For writing a good plot and manage to keep your originality throughout the story.
3. I took too much time doing this request so, sorry about that. But you lose 2 because… 1. You have too much spelling, capitalization, punctuation and grammatical errors.2. You still need to improve on your flow, characterization, writing style, and forewords.
Overall score: 61/100