Do you love me? [Review]
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Title:Do you love me?
Author:AlwaysMe
URL:http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/A_Me3/
Reviewer:Mariel D. @ Secret-Melodies
Title: 3/5
-Your title is very common. If I were searching for stories at winglin, I might not pick yours. Or some may be, because of the writer or the characters. Beyond that, it’s not interesting at all. Try to think of a very good title next time. =)
Poster/Background: 10/10
-I love the poster! LOL
Forewords: 2/5
-Your forewords doesn’t have any details at all. Have atleast a clue of what your story is all about, introduce your characters, and fill in your forewords!
Plot: 8/15
-Your story is indeed very common. I think you must have more inspiration because you’re writing it for someone, am I right?
Flow: 8/10
-The flow of the story is okay. But I think you made too much ‘fast-forward-ing’ thing. Just an advice, if you ‘fast forward’ the story, maybe try removing the ‘non-sense paragraph’ there. Example:
-Try removing the one in the parenthesis bellow; it’s okay to have it. But… I think readers would like it more if you’ll remove it. Like this:
-Five years later-
{After the interesting events that Minho and Suhjin went through, they are finally settled as a family. Soon, they decided to have their first child.}
Suhjin came out of the shower and sat next to Minho, both of them were REALLY nervous.
And this!
-Why put an author’s note when it’s actually not needed? Readers would already get what you meant by the previous phrases before this one.
[GAH!*close eyes* I’m no right to do this..skip,skip,skip!]
~~~The next morning~~~
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 7/15
-There are a lot of typos here! I didn’t spot any wrong spellings; however there are problems with your grammars, take note of the past / present / and future tenses. And hey, please do put a space after a period or commas, ‘coz it’s kinda… irritating and I think it’s not proper, too.
I’ll try to correct your typos, but I tell you, there ARE so many. Some are just similar with the following: But try to spot it yourself, help yourself.
**Instead of:”Wow! today is hot!”
--Should be “Wow! Today is hot!” The ‘T’ there should be capital because it is after an exclamation mark. Please do keep up with the rules.
**“Hey,minho.”Suhjin greet him.
--Should be ‘“Hey, Minho.” Suhjin greeted him’ Rules says, add ‘ED’ for verbs ending with consonant letters. (Past tense of course) And Capital letters for proper nouns.
**Instead of:”He said and suhjin laugh.He searched there,in his closet.
--Should be “He said and Suhjin laughed. Minho searched for his book inside his best friend’s closet”
** Instead of: I like the way Minho’s smile.We have been friend almost two years..And I like him.I don’t want him to know and I’m afraid that will break our friendship,so,I decide to kept it myself.
--Should be “I like the way Minho smiles. We have been best friends for almost two years, and I used like him. I don’t want him to know, because I’m afraid it will break our friendship. I decided to keep it to myself.”
** Instead of: I sit on his bed.
--Should be “I sat on his bed.” Another past tense, but this is exempted for the previous rule, ‘adding ED’.
** Instead of: I throw his pillow up in the air and catch it.
--Should be “I threw his pillow up on the air and catches it.” ON is more proper to use rather than IN. THROW should be in past tense.
** Instead of: “I’m too young to date..”
--Should be “I’m too young for a date.”
** Instead of: As soon as I heard SuhJin tell me what’s that story about I froze.But then,I saw tears falling from her eyes.
--Should be “I froze as she tells me about the story. However, I noticed tears falling from her eyes.”
** Instead of: She said.her voice told me that she was crying.Does she cry?
--Should be “She said. Her voice told me that she was crying. Is she really crying?” The phrase ‘Does she cry?’ gives wrong meaning for the readers. That means you are asking if she cries, I mean if she cries… her whole life! (LOL, sorry for this lame explanation)
** Instead of: "Do you, Choi Minho, willing to take Suhjin Kim as your wife, protect her when needed..(blahblahblah I don’t know what he say..sorry..teehee)”The priest said.
--An author’s note/message shouldn’t be combined with the story. It’s kind of… distracting. You know? It’s in the middle of romance then suddenly an author’s note. xD Hmm , I’ll try to give that; “Do you, Choi Minho, accept Suhjin Kim as your wife, for better or for worst, to protect her and be with her forever?” I know it’s not exact but you should’ve tried, right? No effort at all…??
Characterization: 9/10
-At first I am confused with the gender of your characters. I’m not into k-pops so I thought they’re both boys. Give more details not only in the forewords but also in the story itself, not all readers’ passes through every forewords of a story. (Especially If there’s no poster at all)
Originality: 5/10
-Like what I said, There’s nothing special for this story, so you get half the score. No twist at all and this kind of story could be read anywhere.
Writing style: 4/5
-It is understandable but the periods and commas are kind of distracting, that made a minus.
Overall enjoyment: 9/10
-Beyond the wrong grammars and the periods, I enjoyed your story. =D
Bonus: 5/5
-I give you 5 stars ‘coz you’re my first reviewer and happy to be!
Overall score: 70/100
Sorry if it took so long, there’s kinda… problem with our internet connection. =D Anyways, hope you’ll request again! And good luck for your next story! =D