Sunday, January 12, 2003
Name: Unforgettable Memories
Author: RossEureka
URL: http://www.winglin.net/fanfic/ross3
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Title: 1/5
Sadly, this is a challenge fiction which means you don’t have a choice in the title. The story, I felt, shouldn’t be called this. It had nothing to do with memories actually (unless you count the writing format of flashing back). Hate to say this but I’ll have to mark you down.
Poster/Background: 8/10
I like the poster. It gives off a dark vibe, a feeling of being burned into the skin. Just like how memories are etched deep and just like how Ella’s love is searing and painful. I’m just a little disappointed about how the poster said nothing about Chun’s condition and everything. Maybe if you had chosen close up photos with emphasis on eyes, or something to do with darkness and clarity instead of the trees in the background, it’ll have made the poster perfect. The cast is also clearly depicted so kudos to that. I have no issues with the background and font.
Forewords: 3/5
Now I generally do not have issues with people taking a part of their story and using it as the forewords. However, let me tell you that this only works if 1) the part you selected is interesting enough to grasp the attention of potential readers; 2) the part selected when taken out of context (which is when it is cut out to be a foreword) has a different but logical meaning from when read in context. Take for example, I select a part like yours. In the forewords, my potential reader should think that it is a beautiful setting tinged with melancholy and feel intrigued. In the context of the story, the reader should feel an extra sense of morbidity and pain (because Ella is self-sacrificing).
I don’t object to the part your excerpted but the writing fails to do justice to the feeling I’m talking about. It doesn’t grasp attention because of your cloudy descriptors. In fact, it is mildly confusing. I didn’t have any idea what that part is all about honestly, when I first read (but I decided to just finish the story since it is a one-shot). So hmm..not wonderful.
Plot: 5/15
The foundation of every story is logic. There are various logical flaws in your plot.
1) You can’t donate your corneas if you are alive.
2) You can’t donate your organs to anyone other than direct family members (I don’t think they’re married).
3) Chun has no reason to just walk out on Ella.
4) How the hell did Ella commit suicide?
5) Why should Chun watch Ella’s concert if he doesn’t want to be with her?
Shaky logic holds your story together. I can see how it is touching to sacrifice for one’s love but the orders of modern society doesn’t allow such a scenario to play out. Unless Ella commits suicide and wills her corneas to Chun, this touching story makes no sense. Maybe you should have set it in an alternate universe, Ulajihif.
Flow: 10/10
I have no issues with flow at all. Even though you juggle between flashbacks and the present, it made sense (as much as your illogical story can allow) and I can see how things worked. So I’m giving you the full marks.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 10/15
Spelling shouldn’t be an issue here so I’m not talking about it. Your grammar is quite problematic though. You often have preposition issues and it makes comprehending your words tougher. Also, due to your lengthy sentences, you sometimes have subject-verb agreement issues so you might want to vet through your sentences. Thankfully, this doesn’t crop up too often. As for vocabulary, you do have quite a trove of good words so I have no issues with that.
I’ve gotten some examples from the first paragraph of the story. I’m not going to bother reading through and getting every single mistake. It is too tiresome.
‘in the swing’ -> by the swing/at the swing (preposition problem)
‘shadow her already-darkened eyes’ -> shadowed her already darkened eyes
‘She imagined the waves of the ocean from below as it vent its anger’ -> what is it? The waves or the ocean? Subject-verb agreement here. (I think you want to talk about the ocean so it is actually ‘vents’ not ‘vent’)
‘singing on her ears’ -> singing to her ears
Characterization: 4/10
I read the first paragraph and I don’t know what the philosophy of Ella Chen’s life is and why it is archaic. That paragraph just created lots of question marks in my mind. But okay, let’s not talk about what I can’t understand but what I understand from these characters.
Ella Chen is a person who will do anything for love. She has an empathy for beauty, whether they are seen or heard or felt (this, I gather from the excessive descriptors). She is also a matyr; she sacrificed herself to enshrine her love for Chun. What perversity that is.
Wu Chun is a gentle, wise fellow who jilted Ella Chen for no particular reason then decided to die to be with her. Wonderful. I don’t understand how his mind works but I can tell you, something is wrong. And it isn’t just his eyes.
What I’m trying to say is that the characters don’t feel real. Wu Chun doesn’t have the motives and passions of a real person and he miraculously discriminates his own kind (the blind). I’m assuming the reason he left was because Ella is blind. Ella Chen has motives (love) but doesn’t have a rational mind to make her human. She technically should have died earlier; natural selection wouldn’t have allowed her species to thrive.
I suggest next time, use more logic.
Originality: 5/10
Blind people + self-sacrificial love aren’t very creative but to have an ingrate as your lover certainly is. I can’t imagine what a jerk Chun is to have walked out on Ella, even if he didn’t know that the corneas are hers. Ella was with him all the time and he seemed to love her. She found a donor for him! Inexplicable jerkiness there.
The part about Chun joining Ella in death isn’t very creative either. If I created a jerk like Chun, I will have him just walk away in extreme jerkiness. This makes the story way cooler. I love undermining the norms but I guess you are conventional (=
I’m giving you credit for creating the impossible scenario of Ella giving her eyes to Chun because impossible as it is, it is refreshing.
Writing style: 3/5
I don’t really know where this goes but I must bring it up. You have the most queer descriptions. E.g. the aromatic wind as it permeates the white innocence of her callow dress. Firstly, callow = immature -> I don’t exactly know why a dress is immature. It isn’t even human. Secondly, if the wind permeates the ‘white innocence’ of her dress, does that mean the wind stained it? I don’t exactly want to put it under spelling/grammar/vocabulary because I believe you know what those words mean. I just don’t understand what logic your mind follows to make you write such descriptions.
I don’t mind descriptive writing but senseless descriptions really gets on my nerves. As I had said in my comment on your story prior to this review, too much descriptions cloud the story. I get very distracted by the descriptions and I can’t get much of the story. If you wish to express the feeling that Ella’s heart and mind is directly opposite to the environment around her, then make sure your descriptions directly talk about peacefulness. Peace does not equate to pristine. So the whole white innocence thing eludes me. And this isn’t the only odd description.
Your style (apart from the clouding descriptors) generally still pleases me. There is a good balance between dialogue, physical descriptions and the depiction of emotions.
Overall enjoyment: 5/10
My spirits were slightly dampened by the illogicality and the clouding descriptors but it was on the whole, a viable read. I really advise you to think before you write anything. It must make sense and it must be relevant.
Bonus: 3/5
Giving you marks for being so honest about your flaws and for daring to request from me to improve your writing. Keep that spirit!
Overall score: 57/100