Sunday, February 11, 2001
Name: I Love My Noona~
Author: th-love
URL: http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/16420/i-love-my-noona-bigbang-dbsk-incest-jonghyun-key-shinee-taemin/18
-
Title: 2/5
The title is very straightforward and it explains the main idea but does not explain the feelings. It seems to have a lighter feel to it than what you attempt to portray. And the ~ irritates me. Titles are supposed to set the stage for the story but I don’t see that really happening or you would have chosen a darker title.
Poster/Background: 2/10
I gather it is supposed to be dark but I don’t understand what you are trying to express through the poster except to depict the characters. It doesn’t hold and meaning at all, with the people just standing there and stitched into a picture. And it doesn’t even look artistic. Meh.
Forewords: 1/5
Yours is more of a character introduction which I am not really interested in. I want to know about the story, not really about the characters just yet. Sure you can tell me who they are but I want to see them in action not see them as bio-data. A lot of what you described don’t translate into your writing so hmph. Not liking it at all.
Plot: 7/15
The plot is younger brother loves older sister who is loved by loads of boys so younger brother is jealous. Older sister likes younger brother too but is in denial. It’ll take some time for them to realize that they love each other. Simple and straightforward. That’s usually how incest stories go. I’m a bit confused as to how it all started. There must be some sort of catalyst (I suppose the car crash is some sort of a catalyst but it seems like Taemin already loved his sister then).
Generally, the plot goes along fine if you ignore the illogicality of the people in the story and the inclusion of irrelevant scenes. The side story of krystal is okay to include if you make it clear (which you are failing to do so) as it will add another dimension into the story. Also there are some phrases you mention that just confuses me about the story.
E.g.
‘But then again the routine would be the same, him saying that it hurts.’ -> I don’t know what this means.
There are loads of illogical behavior inside and below is just one of the areas I found.
I don’t get why Shin-Ae needed to dupe Key into kissing after talking about soda. She didn’t seem to have planned on tricking Key then all of a sudden, that happens. And then the whole butterfly thing was ??? to me and then more attempts to kiss Shin-Ae. Great. Such fan service with no particular reason at all.
And then there was the whole episode with Jessica and smashing the picture. What’s wrong with the woman to suddenly want to reveal Shin-Ae’s ‘secret’?
So yah, weird. Maybe I should put this into characterization but illogicality affects plot too. My advice will be for you to clean up your story by selecting scenes that tell the story and to clean up your writing and explanation so readers could tell more definitely, what is going on between the characters. (Jessica and Krystal? What’s with the pair of sisters?)
Flow: 5/10
A lot of ‘no link’ going on. What’s with the type B blood thing? What has it got to do with everything? Don’t understand the whole thing about the rock, scissors and paper being important in the story at all. It isn’t even funny or cute. You can just go straight to the soccer match with Taemin watching. You have a penchant for selecting really queer scenes. The events that happen don’t really make any proper sense such as the food fight and so they don’t really flow. Sighs.
Spelling/Grammar/Vocabulary: 6/15
Okay, I’m not going to spend all my time correcting every single grammatical error and typo error here so I singled out some examples from the first chapter (they’re not all there is in that chapter; I just got too tired to find them).
Generally, you need to work on cutting up your sentences. Clause problems are most salient here. I see quite a few typos so I will suggest you run through a check before posting up your chapters. Grammatical problems are few but when they appear, they are glaring so do take note. Vocabulary is unimpressive. A few good words like ‘facade’ pops out but use it wisely. Saying ‘facade smile’ seems awkward, unless you use open inverted commas to denote that it is a specific kind of look e.g. ‘Dead Stone Look’. Phrasing is a big problem. Sometimes it took me a moment to realize what you’re trying to say. If you want to use a common phrase, make sure you get it right. Chapter 2 was a headache to read with many off question marks littering the pages. Also, don’t create words that don’t exist. Understandment is not a word.
Here are the examples:
Lee Taemin, a sophomore year in SME highschool, he isn't rich nor poor. -> Lee Taemin, a sophomore in SME high school, is neither rich nor poor.
Shin-Ae, a junior year in SME Highschool, Taemin's noona, only sees him as a brother nothing more nothing less, she works in a cafe called 'Yo paramae'. -> Shin-Ae, a junior year student in SME high school is Taemin’s noona. She only sees Taemin as a brother, nothing more and nothing less. Shin-Ae works in a cafe called ‘Yo paramae’.
(For the above two, I need to advise you to use clauses appropriately. Some aren’t related clauses so don’t use comma. Start a new sentence instead. Just look at how I edited both of the sentences. Watch your punctuation. There are more of this as we proceed down the story but I shan’t put them here.)
She was sleeping her bare stomache showing. -> She was sleeping with her stomach showing/baring her stomach. (Tautology saying bare and showing).
Shin-Ae didn't got mad instead she kissed back, this was their daily routine but they don't show it that much to their parents, there was one time where Mrs. Lee lectured them that they shouldn't kiss like that. What kind of siblings were they if they would do that in public? They might be mistaken as lover instead. -> Shin-Ae didn’t get mad; she kissed back. This was their daily routine but they don’t do it before their parents much, though there was one time when Mrs. Lee lectured them that they shouldn’t kiss like that. What kind of siblings were they if they did that in public? They might be mistaken as lovers instead.
(Watch the grammar and the punctuation. Some words need an ‘s’ like lovers. And phrasing is slightly awkward too so I’ve made some changes. Read through.)
Shin-Ae couldn't hold it, it was her weakness against Taemin. -> Shin-Ae couldn’t fight that plea; it was her weakness.
(You don’t have weakness against anything. Wrong preposition here. And hold it? What? Your subject is missing.)
bluushed -> blushed (Take note of spelling)
It was because she have until 6:00 class due to Art. -> She had class till six because of Art. (Until 6:00 class is not a proper phrase. Also, try to avoid using numbers. Write them out in words instead.)
Shin-Ae's smile dropped. -> Shin-Ae dropped the smile. (The smile doesn’t drop by itself. Shin-Ae can choose to not smile, something like dropping an idea so you can drop a smile but that’s where the use of drop stops at.)
You better owe me some ->?? You owe me one. (Odd phrase.)
Characterization: 6/10
Ers...okay. I’m kind of disturbed by the violent streak Shin-Ae seemed to possess. She seemed so demure and nice to Taemin then suddenly in school she scolds vulgarities, punch girls till their nose bleed and say really crude things. But I guess that is her personality. She’s very open and fun-loving so maybe that’s how she attracts all the guys to love her. Hmm.
I get that Taemin is a soft-spoken, sweet boy but I don’t get why being with his dad and mum will ‘freak’ him out. Odd. He is a pushover, letting things happening around him drag him around but he does feel angry inside. Okay, this character passes as well.
Jessica was a total mystery to me. What kind of person exists as such a slut? Oh wells.
Key and Jonghyun loves Shin-Ae. I honestly have no idea about their personalities from your writing except that Jonghyun loves music. Onew and Minho are ?? to me. I’m kind of bewildered about why you wanted to introduce so many characters even though they are not instrumental to the story at all. More focus on the main couple should be done instead of bringing a whole mess of people.
Krystal is supposed to be one of the key characters but I don’t really know who she is. She’s nice but then manipulative to get Taemin? Doesn’t seem to go well together.
Originality: 3/10
I can’t really say that it is very original. You see loads of competitions for love going on like the one between the boys be it in dramas or stories. Incest love is not a new topic (there is a whole genre of fiction out there!). Shin-Ae’s character, though exaggerated, is typical of a girl loved for her straightfowardness. Bitchy girls like Jessica exists. I liked dreamy Taemin though. You could have done more with the dreaminess because he kinda lost that quality when he lost his cool with his sister and when he was with Krystal. I think one element of originality is the inclusion of Krystal’s side story but you need to flesh it out better.
Writing style: 2/5
I don’t mind if you add parentheses to talk about something personal that is related to the story but I don’t like it that you are writing a comment asking your readers a question unrelated to helping one understand the story. Basically, I think your phrasing problem is cramping your style. It makes reading quite hard to understand. I will appreciate if you denote dialogue properly instead of squashing lines of dialogue into one sentence. It is confusing to read. I must say that I appreciate that you write about the inner world of the characters though. Better descriptive passages will win you points that you are missing out on.
Overall enjoyment: 3/10
I’m not a fan of Korean stars and I’m not a fan of the characters you created as well. They seem so under-developed and all I see is a scene of chaos with the characters running amok on the computer screen. And I hate illogicality so I really didn’t have a good time trying to decipher what you are trying to say and what the hell just happened.
Bonus: 1/5
I’m giving you marks for wanting a review that tells you the truth. Hopefully it isn’t too hard for you.
Overall score: 38/100